*Dude, if your boyfriend leaves you, it's over. Just...lay down. Give up. DIE ALREADY.
*When your boyfriend leaves, life has no meaning. Don't bother turning to friends, they couldn't possibly understand your life or angst. Continue to not talk to your father (UGH HE'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND!). Daily activities should include sitting, staring blankly out of windows, moping, sitting, and writing emails to your boyfriend's sister. Make sure they don't really send though.
*Your only glimpses of happiness should come from another guy. He is way nicer, attractive, and not emotionally abusive, but don't give him any real chances. Just lead him on. It's perfectly fine.
*Upon finding out that you could hear your ex boyfriend's voice whenever your life is in danger, REJOICE, DAMNIT! Walk into dark alleyways. Welcome the opportunity of rape! If you can see your precious Eddycakes, do whatever it takes. He's so pretty and sparkly.
*Upon realizing that The Other Guy (eyeroll) is completely in love with you, don't plainly tell him that he has no chance. String him along. He's young and impressionable. He can help you build motorcycles...and stuff...
*Ugh, I know that one guy's been complaining about being a dog or something like that...whatever...just deal with it. He's the only one that likes you. And besides, leading him on is so much fun. At this rate his self confidence will be shot before 10th grade!
*Dude. Jump off a bridge or something. You'll totally be able to see your ex again. Who cares that the only reason you're alive is that that The Other Guy (eyeroll) saved your life...yOu GoT 2 C EdWaRRD!!! Lol totally worth it. <3
*WTF 3DWARD'S g0NNA KILL HIMSELF?! Tell That One Guy to get out of your way. Don't tell anyone you're leaving the country...hop in your ex boyfriend's sister's shiny car and GTFO OF AMERICA!!
*Blah blah blah, save your ex boyfriend, blah blah blah, almost die, blah blah blah, whatever. Btw, take him back, no questions. True, you have no chemistry...you have nothing in common...he only likes you b/c your blood smells good...BUT HE'S SO BEAUTIFUL?! Obviously you take him back you ungrateful human swine.
*Upon arriving back home, let a standoff occur between your again-boyfriend and the guy who's hopelessly in love with you. Again, don't tell him he doesn't have a chance. This whole stringing men along thing could be fun. Who knows, maybe it could provide another pathetic and lagging plot in which to occupy another horrible, horrible book.
*Teen marriage = good. Teen pregnancy? Even better.
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OBVIOUSLY I HATE TWILIGHT. And everything associated with it. In all actuality, the movie wasn't too bad, but the content, like the book it's based on, is utter shite. I feel bad for Taylor Lautner, too. He's pretty much the only one who can act. And the guy who plays her dad, who is A TOTAL SMOKING BABE.
But yeah, I give New Moon the film two middle fingers out of five middle fingers. I give New Moon the book a million middle fingers because I hate it. Hmm...my rating system seems flawed. Whatever.
